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:iconalivelove: More from AliveLove


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December 3, 2012
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"I can feel you in my bones," she wrote. "I can feel you pulsing through my blood. With the beating of my heart, I know you're with me."
She balled up the paper and threw it against the wall.
"I HATE THIS!" she screamed, fists clenched and face turning red. She shed a tear out of pure anger.
Starting to breath again, she walked over to the balled up paper she had thrown across the room. She uncrumpled it and read what she had written. "I can't feel you." She whispered out loud. "I can't feel you at all.
Emotion welled up within her and she began to write furiously. She wrote, and wrote, and wrote. She wrote with everything she had. She scribbled furiously, trying her hardest not to cry or rip the paper, Her head started pounding and her breathing quickened as she wrote faster and faster and faster.
She didn't stop writing until she was hyper ventilating and balling her eyes out. She pushed her chair back and continued to cry, taking slow, deep breaths. When the tears cleared enough for her to read, she began to look over the mess of words she had written.

"I can feel you in my bones
I can feel you pulsing through my blood.
With the beating of my heart, I know you're with me.
That's a lie.
I can't feel you at all.
I don't know where you went.
You aren't here.
You left me.
Why did you have to go?
Why did you have to leave me?
YOU LEFT ME!
I know you didn't like this life.
I know better than anyone.
I sat up with you late at night
And we talked about how much better it will be
In heaven
BUT YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO GO THERE WITHOUT ME.
I felt the same way too
You know that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU?
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND??
You were my best friend.
YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
You abandoned me.
You quit.
You chose the easy way out.
And I am SO MAD AT YOU.
I'm pretty sure
I shouldn't be mad
At a dead person
But I am.
This is YOUR fault.
This is all your fault.
You didn't have to quit.
You didn't have to do it.
You didn't have to LET ME FIND YOU.
Hanging there.
You were just HANGING THERE.
You should have told me.
Talked to me.
Found me,
The very least you could have done
If you were going to do it anyways,
Was WARN ME!
I would have gone with you.
But now,
I can't.
I can't follow you.
They're all watching.
They're all watching me.
I've become a walking suicide risk
Thanks to you.
And they know it.
And they're all watching me.
Now I can't even follow you.
I hope you're having fun in heaven.
I hope you're having.
Fun.
No, actually.
I'll be honest.
I don't
I hope Jesus yelled at you.
I hope he SCREAMED AT YOU.
I HOPE HE SCREAMED AT YOU FOR LEAVING ME BEHIND LIKE THIS!
You always said
No one would miss you.
You always said
No one would care.
I hope you know
I hope you see
YOU FUCKING BROKE ME
By killing your dumb self.
And leaving me here."


She took a step back. She started crying again, but not so much that she couldn't see.
She missed him. She missed him so much. And she wasn't coming back. She would never feel his hugs again. Never feel his heartbeat again. Never feel him. Ever again.
And that was too much for her.
She opened her desk drawer and looked at the rope.
It was his rope.
She closed the drawer again though.
It was too much for her.
She couldn't do it.
Not today.
But some other day.
She would follow him.
Because I had a dream that my best friend killed himself last night, and I couldn't get over it and had to write it out.
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:iconnayaselenia:
NayaSelenia Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wow... love this... you really made me cry
better I message my best friend right now, just so he knows I need him here
Reply
:iconalivelove:
AliveLove Apr 24, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks. I wrote this awhile ago about one of my bestfriends after having a dream he killed himself.
Ironically enough, I lost one of my other best friends, the one I didn't think I'd have to worry about, last week.
And do that <3
Reply
:iconnayaselenia:
NayaSelenia Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Just saw your journal
Might sound a bit cliche and as you don't know me a bit weird too, but I'm here... you can message me whenever you want about whatever you want
Reply
:iconalivelove:
AliveLove Apr 24, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
haha no funnily enough it isn't weird... and thank you <3 it means a lot.
Reply
:iconnayaselenia:
NayaSelenia Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're most welcome, dear :heart:
Reply
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